What Happens When The Heart Just Stops

Albums on my current playlist:

Nothing Ever Stays- Progression EP

The Frames- For The Birds

The Last Goodnight- Poison Kiss (I've had this CD for awhile, but I'm revisiting it)

CLEANING. It never ends. You will never win this battle. You leave it alone, it'll get dirty and dusty. You use [it] and it'll get messy and dirty.

After seven months, I have finally decided to organize my room. My Dad put most of my boxes in an unused office in his office building. It removes some of the clutter from my room and our living room which was acting as my storage space. I can now walk on the right side of my room without hitting a box or stepping on something. Hooray.

I decided to bust out my tea lights and candles again. At night, I turn off the lights and light all the candles. It's very relaxing and it smells nice too. I'll take a picture of it soon.

My weekend is going to be busy and tiring.

FRIDAY: 

[12 PM-4 PM] gym, shower, and cleaning

[5 PM-12 AM] Interning

SATURDAY

[5 AM] Wake up to get ready to go to the photography shoot. 

[6 AM] Meet with the crew

[8 AM-12 PM] Photo shoot in Placentia/Yorba Linda

SUNDAY

[9 AM-5 PM] Interning at the studio

I'm just going to stop right there. I'll probably get to bed around 1-1:30, which won't leave me much time to sleep. Here are a few things that bother me: The meeting place is in Sherman Oaks, 10 minutes away from the studio. It feels a bit pointless to me to drive home when it's that close to the studio, but I'm not going to sleep in my car... I usually ask to be scheduled for a shoot that is close to my home, but they didn't have any near me. Okay, understandable. BUT as a substitute she said she put me on the EARLIEST shoot. That does not make much sense to me!! I'll be a walking zombie for the rest of Saturday. The MORNING fun resumes on Sunday when I have the opening shift. I'm not a morning person if you don't know by now...

My schedule is about to get real tight. I'll talk bout that next time. Here's a picture of one of the noisy peacocks that reside in our neighborhood. 

The Burn

Check out the song 'The Burn' by Nothing Ever Stays. This song is really catchy, and I love the drums. Toms are not used enough in songs! 

I think this is the first post NOT written at 1 AM. What can I say? I do my best thinking past midnight.

I'm feeling better about myself and the way things are heading. I can only mope about less-than-spectacular situations for so long. I'm ready to move on and DO things. I was so proactive in 2008, and I lost some of that. It's time to get it back and let my creative juices flow again.

I might take on a part time job. We'll see if that pans out, and if it does, I will only have to get more creative with my time since I won't have as much of it. I'd like to make some money. Money is good...

Today, February 23rd, is my old dog, Rocky's birthday. It's been about 2.5 years since he's been gone. He would've been 13 today. I have two pictures of him on my headboard/night stand, so I see those pictures every night before I go to sleep. It still pains me a bit to see pictures of him knowing he is not here anymore and will never be. Funny how dogs and pets in general can be such a huge part of you. Well, Happy Birthday Rocky. I hope you're living the good life.

 

I Should Mean More

My life revolves around music. I spend a majority of my day listening to it. I'm trying to be involved with it as a profession. I make it. I relate to it. I love it. I live it.

This post title and the last post title are both song titles/lyrics from some of my CDs. I can pretty much find a song to match any of my feelings or mood(s).

I've been battling with myself mentally the last two weeks. It's been a bit frustrating, but every once in awhile you go through some bumps like that. You question what you are doing, why you are doing it, and if it will ever amount to anything in the end. 

Right now I'm doing something that I told myself I wouldn't do because I consider(ed) it meaningless. I used to tell myself I wouldn't do this or that because it's not meaningful. Anyone can do meaningless things. 

Are things really 'meaningless' or do they only appear that way because we think they are? Yes and no. You can never say for sure that things won't turn out a certain way. In all likelihood this situation will not lead to the big picture, but it does mean something, and I do get something out of it. Sometimes I wonder why I'm putting time and effort into it, but if you get something out of it in the end, then you acquire something and it doesn't make it useless after all, now does it?

I still consider getting drunk one of these 'meaningless' things. It's meaningless to me, so I don't care to do it. You drink, kill your liver in the process, and possibly wake up feeling like crap... that does not sound like a good time to me, but then again, that's me. I don't need to drink to have a good time or 'let loose'. I kind of went off on a tangent.

SOOOOOO... that leads me to what I was initially talking about. 'I Should Mean More' is the title of this post. It might possibly be more appropriate if it was 'I Should DO More'. No, interning is not fun. It drags people down. Gives them hope and takes it away at the same time. BUT, it's all part of this 'paying dues' thing we have to do if we want to make it...

Bottom line, I cannot just wait around for the next step. I have to be PROACTIVE. I need to find ways to stay sharp. I need to find ways to network with people... work on projects. Same goes with photography. I might have to do some stuff for free first, but I'm okay with that. I just need to DO more and THINK less. So as soon as I get my schedule worked out, I'm going to work on that. It's the crafty people who make it in this industry, and I got to be just that. I've always been told I'm a creative person, and now I have to put that creativity to work.

Forward progress starts now.

       

Who I Am, Who I'm Not, and Who I Want To Be

The title is a line taken from a song by The Fray, in case it sounded familiar to you. I thought it was very fitting for what I am going to talk about. 

INTERNING

Sometimes I don't know what to make out of the fact that I'm at my fourth internship. I stopped two, which turned out to be permanently, to take a great opportunity. The other one was because I had already done three months, and that was that. I don't regret any of the decisions I've made. I'm still big on trying not to regret decisions I've made in the past because they cannot be changed and have led me to where I am now. I'm actually doing a good job at sticking to that mindset. Yes, things could've turned out differently. Yes, I could have made better decisions perhaps, but what can you do? 

This was my third week at the new internship, and it was definitely not a charm. I made my mistakes, and I'm still thinking about them. I'm hoping the weekend will help put them in the rear view mirror as I don't intend on repeating any of these mistakes again. There is still a slight learning curve, but I've pretty much got the system down. 

I have friends who have jobs at studios back in the Bay, who are actually doing audio stuff (and good for them). Maybe if I stayed up there I would be in the same position. I will never know, but that's okay. Like I said, I don't regret my decisions. I'm set on trying to make it here in LA. When I make it, I know it'll be good. Better than if I had decided to stay up there. Bold statements, I know.

I'm about to make another bold statement in just a little bit. It bothers me when I see people who have 'made it' forget where they've came from. If you make it big (and even if you don't, but especially if you do) DON'T FORGET WHERE YOU CAME FROM. Don't forget about what you had to do to get you to that position. 

If you become a hot shot engineer, don't forget the fact that you were cleaning up after people, picking up their food, cleaning the toilet, scrubbing the floors, etc. If you become an actor, don't forget about all the auditions and rehearsing you had to do before you got that big role. If you become a popular artist, don't forget about all the art classes and all the crap drawing you drew before. Here is my bold statement (bold for me because I don't like assuming I will do something cause you really never know): If I ever get to the point where I make a name for myself, I will not look down upon those who are trying to make it just like I am now. I won't forget where I came from.

   

It's All In Your Head

My week started off on an interesting note. This happened Monday night, and here's another article on it.

I was on a food run on Ventura Blvd. around 8 PM, and on my way back I saw two cop cars and a helicopter with its searchlight on. I said, "Oh snap! They're looking for someone." Two hours passed and I started talking to one of the front desk girls about what I saw, and mentioned that it was very odd. Thirty/forty minutes later I was sent on a run to Burbank. While driving west on the 134, I saw white dots in the sky from a distance. I thought they were helicopters, but thought it was very strange since there where about five lined up in a row. 

I turned onto the small residential street to get to the back alley where the parking lot is located. There were a number of people walking and cars pulling in, and I'm wondering what the heck is going on, but at the same time I'm worried about getting the food back on time. I get back into the studio and see four other staff members staring at the TV. There's a car chase going on. Well, there was a car chase going on, and now the guy has stopped.

Why was this so interesting? Because the stand still was right down the street from the studio.

 

So it all makes sense... that's why there were five helicopters circling around near the studio and why there are people running in the otherwise empty parking lot. The guy was in his Bentley stopped right next to that car dealership you see on the right. The marker indicates where the studio is. If that guy was in a Ford Escape or something like that, people wouldn't have made such a big deal about it. 

It didn't occur to me that on my way back from the first food run around 8 PM is when the chase started, so I saw the beginning of it. I didn't get to go outside to see all the madness, but whatever. The guy ended up shooting himself in the head. It's a bit ironic that on my way back from the second run, I passed by the hospital he was later taken to.

This all brings me to question why someone would do this. Apparently he was about to be arrested, and he was distressed about losing his business. Why would he want to end his life and make a spectacle out of it? How did he get to the point where he thought everything was unfixable, so therefore wanting to end it all? When did he lose all hope in everything?

I'm very intrigued by how people think. When referring to goals we want to achieve, things we want to do, and places we want to see, we often say 'some day I'll do it'. Obviously there are some factors that play into this like time and money, but if those two things are not a factor, what stops us from doing that thing NOW. What turns an idea into reality? When do we tell ourselves that we will stop thinking and start doing? 

I often spend time thinking about those questions. I'm guilty of doing that as well, but if we always say we'll do this or that 'someday', we'll keep putting it off until 'someday' it's too late to do it. Then what happens? We regret the fact that we never did it. There are a ton of things in the world I'd like to do. One of my biggest fears is that I won't get to do them all. Well, that's really only something time will tell.

Yes, I Still Buy CDs.

That is a picture of my CD collection since August 2008, when I moved back home. That would be 33 CDs. The rest of my collection is in boxes, so when I eventually get more, they will go in there as well. Yes, I've been back 6.5 months and I'm STILL living out of boxes. I refuse to settle.

Now, if you asked me what type of music I listen to, I'd be lying if I said, "I listen to everything". What do I listen to? Mainly different forms of rock, but I like pop, R&B, country, and classical. Growing up, I first listened to a lot of R&B and pop. I always liked rock, but let's just say I grew up in the teeny bopper boy band era. 

However, I am NOT the type of person who will disregard a song because I don't like the artist or the genre. Just because I don't usually listen to hip hop or rap doesn't mean I won't like a song under that category. If it sounds good, it sounds good!

I thought I'd share my takes on some of the most recent albums I've purchased. There are multiple CDs from some artists.

 

MOGWAI- EP + 6

I received four Mogwai CDs for Christmas since they were on my list. This EP made me grow even more fond of them. To me, they have a distinct style. They don't have a lot of vocals, but when they do, it's very scattered and seems to go with the flow. 

Best songs on the CD:

1. Superheroes Of BMX (favorite)

2. Xmas Steps (love the bass build up somewhere after the 3 minute mark)

3. Small Children In The Background

4. Stanley Kubrick

MOGWAI- Rock Action

This is also a good album. There are two songs that really stick out to me: Take Me Somewhere Nice and Dial:Revenge.

SNOW PATROL- A Hundred Million Stars

I love this album. I hadn't really looked into Snow Patrol until this album. Boy, was I happy I did. From beginning to end, it's a strong album. It ends with a 16+ minute song, 'The Lightning Strike', which is like 3 songs in 1. It's a nice way to end the album. 'If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It' and 'Crack The Shutters' are a good way to start the album off. 

Best songs:

1. If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It

2. Crack The Shutters

3. Lifeboats (love the 'funkiness' of the song'

4. The Golden Floor (gotta love the clapping)

5. Set Down Your Glass (Favorite song on the album. This song is beautiful, and it puts me at ease)

6. The Lightning Strike

SNOW PATROL- Eyes Open

I got this CD after I got 'A Hundred Million Stars' even though it was released before it. The album is very much like their newest one in terms of album structure. A strong beginning and end, anchored by some good songs in the middle. I know 'Chasing Cars' was very popular when it came out, but I didn't listen to it much, and that's probably why I really like it now.

Best Songs:

1. You're All I Have (good opener)

2. Hands Open

3. Chasing Cars

4. Shut Your Eyes

5. You Could Be Happy (great lyrics, simple, elegant sound)

6. Headlights On Dark Roads (I absolutely love the intro)

7. Open Your Eyes

KILLSWITCH ENGAGE- As Daylight Dies

Now, I'm not a huge metal person, but I like KSE. I can take screaming, but there's got to be singing as well, and they have both. They've got some really catchy choruses on this album. I haven't established a favorite song though.

Best Songs:

1. This Is Absolution

2. The Arms Of Sorrow

3. My Curse

4. Eye Of The Storm

5. Break The Silence

6. Desperate Times

7. Holy Diver

KILLSWITCH ENGAGE- The End Of Heartache

The title track is what got me interested in them. I didn't really even know it was metal when I first heard it. To tell you the truth, I haven't listened to it much yet. I just thought I'd share with you the fact that I got it!

ONCE Soundtrack

When I saw the movie, after I heard the second song, I knew I wanted the soundtrack. 'Falling Slowly' has to be one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová are like magic together musically! There is no doubt you can feel their emotion in their music. 

Best Songs:

1. Falling Slowly (favorite)

2. When Your Mind's Made Up

3. Lies

4. The Hill (Beautiful, kind of eerie, and a little heartbreaking all at the same time)

5. Leave

6. All The Way Down

THE FRAMES- Burn The Maps

The Once soundtrack inspired me to look into Glen Hansard's regular band. This is a good album. I feel that the song 'Happy' which opens the album up is not traditionally a song you'd have at the beginning, but I like this song. It's a very eerie sounding song. Another eerie sounding song is 'A Caution To The Birds'. I haven't established a favorite on this album either. All the songs are pretty good.

Best songs:

1. Happy

2. Finally (I really like the chorus)

3. Trying

4. Fake (unlike the other songs, but it's a good one)

5. Suffer In Silence

6. Locusts (I really like the chorus in this song too)

THE FRAY- The Fray

I don't like listening to singles because I think they'll wear me out. I am very much so still an album person. I'll listen to the album all the way through even though I don't like some songs as much. I might discover something new about that song that I didn't know before. I mention that because I only heard 'You Found Me' a max of three times before the CD came out, and I still like it.

Best songs:

1. Syndicate (my favorite. Everything about this song catches my attention)

2. Absolute (Catchy chorus, which the Fray seems to be very good at)

3. You Found Me

4. Never Say Never

5. Enough For Now (I like the verses better than the choruses)

6. Happiness (great lyrics)

CAROLINA LIAR- Coming To Terms

This is a very good debut album. 'I'm Not Over' and 'Coming To Terms' are two good songs to start off the CD. It has some good songs in the middle, and has a strong end too. 'Show Me What I'm Looking For' was the song that caught my attention on the radio.

Best songs:

1. Coming To Terms

2. Show Me What I'm Looking For

3. California Bound

4. Done Stealin'

5. Beautiful World (Hands down my favorite. It's a very beautifully written song, no pun intended)

6. When You Are Near

You Could Be Happy

It rained REALLY hard today in LA. I like the rain. I don't like the hot, sunshine in February. It's February! Can we get some 'winter' weather please?

I work in North Hollywood/Universal City, and the streets were terrible. The right lane was pretty much useless. It was filled with massive amounts of water. To top it off, I had to go on nine runs that day. 

Not sure what it is about the rain, but it makes me think a bit deeper about things. It made me think about the homeless person who resides in front of the two unused doors in the 'front' side of the studio. How long has he been there? Is he getting splashed by all the water when the cars drive in the right lane? 

I noticed a trend among three of the last four albums I bought. They all had a song on their album with the word 'happy' in the title. Naturally, this made to think about happiness, and what each of them were saying about this very subject. Three very different songs about the same thing supposedly.

Snow Patrol- You Could Be Happy

You could be happy and I won't know

But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said

Are played in loops 'til it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were

But not our last days of silent screaming blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure

I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are

You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you

And for the tiniest moments it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to 

Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you girl

Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

You should be happy no matter what

Listen to the song through a video slideshow someone made. It's overall a simple sounding song. The glockenspiel drives it for most of the song (more songs should have glockenspiels in it, in my opinion). With those lyrics, the song doesn't need to be overly complicated. Sometimes if you really care/love someone, you have to know when to let them go, and this songs amplifies that.

The Frames- Happy

Come help me out I'm sick from the fight

From inserting a laugh where there's none

Show me where this joke got tired

Tell me you know cause I'm slow catching on...

You're trying to break me down with your tuneless song

That kept me up all night

Take me to the fair where the lifeless singers

Will let you ride up beside them sometimes

And you're putting a line

Where there should not be a line

And your building divides...

Come cut me out I got caught in the wire

From believing the filtering downs

Show me where the stakes got higher

Just goes to show how slow we've become

And you're putting a line

Where there should not be a line

And your building divides

And putting a line

Why are you building divides

Is it some failing in your life.

Listen and watch a live version of the song here. The song has a very dark feel to it. Unlike the other two 'happy' songs, there is no mention of the word happy in the song. It's quite the opposite, which is somewhat ironic. 

The Fray- Happiness

Happiness is just outside my window

I thought it'd crash blowing eighty miles an hour

But happiness is a little more like knocking

On your door, you just let it in

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can't make it come or go

But you are gone, not for good but for now

And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard

Happiness was never mine to hold

Careful child, light the fuse and get away

'Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you

Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor

So you tell yourself that's enough for now

But happiness has a violent roar

Happiness it's like the old man told me

Look for it and you'll never find it all

But let it go, live your life and leave it

Then one day you'll wake up and find she'll be home

Listen to the song here. I love the metaphors in this song. It talks about the different forms or happiness, and how we think we know what it is, but it could be something else. I remember being told that nothing is permanent. Not the bad, or the good. Happiness comes and goes, but just because it's gone doesn't mean that it won't come back. 

It's actually really hard for me to explain music. Music more than anything in the world is almost indescribable. It's just a feeling I get, and I can't put that into words. That's why I am trying to break through in the music industry. Music is a happiness that I want to have in all aspects of my life. There is no such thing as too much music. 

All those songs made me think about my level of happiness lately. For the most part, I am happy. I have been happier, but where I'm at isn't bad. It could always be a lot worse, and I'm thankful to have what I have now. Nothing is perfect, there could always be more, but I guess it's all on how you look at things too. I'm looking on the upside.    

Closing picture: